Hopelessness spread through my heart, overtook it more and more, and resulted in deep sadness. The feeling of inner pain manifested itself, among other things, in daily outbursts of tears. I was depressed and in despair, not knowing what to do. Everything seemed dark; in me and around me. Meaninglessness took my mind captive.
Turning to distractions to numb the pain of despair were my daily habits. Movies, captivating novels, and daydreams were my go toes. I hoped to find relief for my restless heart that brought to mind a stack full of fears and questions. There were no accurate words to describe my emotional pain because I didn’t fully understand what I was going through. Trying to find my place in my peer group that didn’t cultivate any good relationship values was a reflection of my bigger problem: me trying to find my place in a world that seemed hostile to me due to the fear that ruled my heart.
It was a day like any other. That particular morning, I had no idea that my life would change radically within a few hours. At that time, I was still completely blind to the work of God. I didn’t even know him. I knew that Christianity existed, as the various churches in my town kept pointing out to me. But that something exciting would happen there, indeed that it had something to do with the living God, of that I had no idea. And yet there were some points of contact, such as the fact that I had learned to pray the Lord’s Prayer as a little child every night at bedtime. Or the few religious holidays days on which I was almost forced to go to church with my parents and was instructed to sit quietly. Oh, it was so boring!
But what happened on that specific day was beyond my imagination. I didn’t know that I and my whole life would be changed forever.
My parents were desperate because of my emotional despair. Their cry for help was heard by our neighbor, who offered Christian counseling. My mother and I went over for coffee, and the two women began chatting casually. I sat there listening to two old friends talking about what’s been happening in and outside the house until my neighbor asked if she could pray for me. As I had observed in the few church services I had attended, I folded my hands in prayer. I only remember her mentioning this man, Jesus, whom I had also heard of before.
Her words vanished before my ears and her living room faded away as I felt something I had never felt before. How can you explain something that cannot be explained? How can one put an experience into words that cannot be described with our language? I am now faced with this task again and once more I dare to try to describe what I experienced on that particular day 13 years ago that would set the tone for all of my days ever since.
As she prayed, I felt something flowing through my arms. It was as if I could feel the blood moving in my vessels. This soft tingling had a clear purpose: it flooded from my folded hands, right through my arms directly into my heart. Everything around me disappeared in light of that sensation. Overwhelmed by a sense of deep peace and stillness I burst into tears. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before and in every way unexpected.
As soon as I caught my breath, I excused myself and went to the bathroom to be by myself for a moment. I glanced at the mirror, convinced that I would look different now. It surprised me to not see any outward change, as the experience turned upside down my whole inner being. If I had to boil down my encounter with God to one word to describe what happened, I’d say it was intense in every way: emotionally and physically. My hands clung to the sink and tried to regain my senses. What in the world was that?
At that moment I realized that God was real. I was awestruck by his presence. He was the most vibrant, powerful and loving force I ever encountered. From that moment forward I knew something burst into my life stirring things up like a whirlwind – the living God was alive and at work. I’d never be the same.
With my mind still in awe of what happened my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing: Questions upon questions were finding their way into my innermost being leaving an exclamation mark on my heart: Yes, there is a God and he’s fully alive and present working in ways I’d never expected.
Without knowing what I wanted, even less needed, I found what my heart was deeply longing for: Jesus Christ. All those hopeless moments I suffered through, my soul was crying out for the one and only true God. One brief touch of his grace and love changed everything within me and for me. Hope I didn‘t have in me before took over my mind and promised me a better future. Fulfillment and meaning were laying ahead of me waving at me from afar. I knew where I was going, to the place where this mighty power dwelled, without fully knowing what my path consisted of.
The days ever since God‘s love running through my veins left its mark on my heart and mind. In awe of my encounter with God, I couldn‘t stop thinking about what had happened. It was breathtaking and humbling at the same time. The most surreal and at the same time the most real thing I had ever experienced. All of it pointed to the one God who‘s right here right now wanting to be close to me, closer to my heart than any human being could ever be.
The tug on my heart for more than this life, my search for a life of deep meaning that God has to offer continued to ponder at the door of my mind. Back at home, everyday life was still the same but at the same time utterly different. There was still a storm raging outside of the window. But it wasn’t that kind of storm that makes you fearful that your house might crash under the heavy winds and cracking trees anymore. It was the kind of thunderstorm you experience while sitting inside the house on your couch with a hot chocolate and a good book in your hand experiencing a comfort you only know on days when staying inside all day long is the solely sane decision to be made. Only when the weather conditions are rough outside do you realize that your silly old couch offers the kind of comfort you never knew. The storm left at the door that divides the outside from the inside brought about a calming warmth filling the cozy living room. Peace and comfort can’t be bought but only experienced when God touches a person’s soul turning an ordinary day into the most spectacular day the sky has to offer.
Ever since that encounter, my heart knows that there is a God and my mind is set on growing closer to him every day of my life.
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2 replies on “The day I encountered God”
I’ve read your blog before, but never your testimony…it’s so beautiful and edifies my own experience…praise God, His infinite grace and mercy, Praise God♥️
Amen, praise God 🙂